Reflections of an Asian American

For the past few months, the way I look at my own heritage and how I am viewed in the country has changed. I am still processing what has been going on in terms of the outward expression of hatred against Asians that I’ve been seeing through countless murders, violent crimes, and racial slurs that have had a huge surge the past few months. Historically, Asians have been either seen as “smart and good” when they are useful and “othered” when they are not useful. I think that this “othering” often comes when Asians are “too Asian” – for example, when Asians speaking their own native language, eat their native foods, or celebrate their culture. Asians are also criticized for taking jobs away from others, often high-paying jobs. But when I reflect on my own experience growing up in America, I was encouraged to learn English fast – even at the expense of losing my native Korean language. I never celebrated Korean holidays, nor did I get to stay in touch with my extended family over holidays. Much of my Korean culture has been washed away over the years of being an American. There is a sort of mourning that I feel for this distance I feel from the Korean culture. I wish I was more in touch with my heritage.

Yet, because I am so “uncultured” aka “American,” I am more accepted and normalized by the larger American community. People compliment me for speaking English so well, asking “what? you moved here when you were in elementary school? Wow your English is so good!” And they ask me oblivious things like “do you eat with chopsticks? Are you from North or South Korea?” Every time I hear these kinds of questions, I just smile/laugh and answer them. But it also makes me feel “othered,” with a deep fear that I won’t be accepted because of my differences. 

So I am in this middle ground in a tug-of-war between wanting to be more connected to my heritage and wanting to feel normal in the American society that I now call “home.” I think up until now, I’ve prioritized being assimilated into America because I thought that’s what it took to succeed. But I wish Asian Americans were more accepted for who they are, rather than who they make themselves to be in order to succeed in America.